I went to my local Lowe’s Home Improvement Big-Box Store the other day to grab a hammer so I could pound in the nail that tore my sock. It seems that, in addition to having to check out ourselves at the appropriately named Self-Checkout, we now have to prove that we are capable of lifting our purchases before we enter the store.
A security guard stood by as I spit on both my hands and rubbed them together while mentally preparing myself to do a dead-lift of the trash receptacle. Fortunately it wasn’t very heavy, and I was able to lift it almost a foot. As I struggled to get more height, he nodded his OK and allowed me to pass.
The hammer was another story. I found the biggest, baddest, longest-handled pounding tool I’ve ever seen. It was so heavy that I had to drag it to the self-checkout.
As it turns out, the Self-Checkout isn’t so appropriately named after all. There are no mirrors anywhere near that part of the store. How are we supposed to check ourselves out?
After the checkout fiasco I couldn’t lift the hammer to carry it out. I took off my belt, wrapped it around the handle, and figured I’d drag it to the car.
Because the store was busy with lots of customers (lots = more than one lot), I had parked about two-thirds of the way to the end of the parking lot. (There were lots of cars in the lot). The next three minutes of my life went like this:
- Take 1 step backwards with left foot.
- Drag new hammer six inches.
- Pull up pants.
- Take 1 step backwards with right foot.
- Drag new hammer six inches.
- Pull up pants.
- Dodge a car trying to exit parking area.
- Pull up pants.
- Repeat 1 through 8.
At the car (after a lot of dragging) I pulled up my pants, used the belt to tie the hammer to the back bumper, and dragged it home.
When I got home I discovered that most of the hammer’s huge head had been scraped off by the pavement and I was now easily able to lift it!
I carried it inside and mustered enough strength to pound that nail, by golly!
Now I have to go back to Lowe’s to get some quarter-round molding and drywall patch.